This is a hard post to write, and something that tends to be quite ‘hush hush’ because of the stigma surrounding suicide, depression and mental health generally.
I’m not writing this because I want attention, sympathy or people to feel sorry for me. I’m writing it because, when I came home from hospital I wanted to connect/talk to other people who had felt the same things as me, had experienced the same feelings and understood what I was going through.
I’m not going to get into the reasons that I attempted this, I feel like it would be a whole other post and majority of it is very personal but I will say I’ve suffered with low mood for a few years now, I’m on an anti-depressant called Fluoxetine, which has helped massively but I obviously had a bit of a blip.
The day I took the overdose was a Sunday, I’d been out with my family to the safari park and my mood was weird. I don’t know how to describe it but I’d been through a crappy time and my family took me out trying to cheer me up. I remember laughing super hard at something my Mum did but as soon as I stopped laughing I wanted to cry, it was a really strange mood.
I got home in the afternoon and spent some time listening to music, trying to cheer myself up but I feel into a really low mood. That’s when I took my overdose, a mixture of Paracetamol and Co-Codamol.
I must have sat there for about an hour, waiting for something to happen but I felt nothing, what I didn’t realise at the time was that Paracetamol actually takes a long time to have any effect.
I don’t know why, but I called 111, the non-emergency medical advice line here in the UK, admittedly I called the number around 3 times and kept hanging up before I actually grew some balls and spoke to someone but I called them and spoke to someone. I’m not saying that in that moment I realised ‘everything would be okay’ but I wasn’t sure if I wanted to die, I didn’t think it was what I wanted and I got scared.
The lady on the phone asked me some questions before telling me she had dispatched an ambulance to me, this scared me if I’m honest and this is where I had to tell my parents (who were downstairs). This is when I started to feel bad, I was dizzy, hot, nauseas and drowsy, it kind of hit me at that moment I’d done something pretty dumb.
The ambulance came super quickly, and the paramedics were probably the nicest people I have ever met. My mum sit in the back of the ambulance with me and I was sick a few times but felt okay (probably due to travel sickness more than anything).
I was in A&E for about 4 hours, I got transferred up to a ward but luckily, all my observations and blood tests came back as normal. The nurses were lovely, they talked as if you were a friend rather than a patient.
While I sat in the hospital with my Mum and Dad, we made plans for my future, plans I’d always wanted to do such as get a new job, start training as a nurse, look at moving out, booking a holiday. I started to realise that I was going to be okay. I didn’t feel 100%, but I was okay.
I was discharged and got home in the early hours of the morning, I went to bed and slept alot.
In the next few days, I had some time off work, went to Dr’s appointments and spent a lot of time with my family. I didn’t feel okay 100% of the time, I had moments where I would break down again but I had amazing support from my family. I tried to make future plans and do what I liked doing, blogging, watching comedies, having baths etc. and now, a few weeks on, I’m doing really good.
I have a lot planned for the future, I’m on a higher dose of medication and having regular GP appointments (post on this coming shortly) and I’m talking more.
Talking helps, even if you talk to a stranger on Childline or 7 Cups, it helps. Which is why I’m doing this post, there shouldn’t be a stigma surrounding mental illness, we should talk about it, which is what I’m doing.
If you need someone to talk to, hit me up, or get onto 7cups, even Tumblr is pretty great. Cuddle with a cute animal, sit with your family, talk to your BFF, watch Parks and Rec. Do anything.
What I did didn’t help anyone, it didn’t help me and it scared and hurt people who care about me. Things will always get better, even if it doesn’t seem like it at the time. If you feel alone right now, you’re not, people have gone through this and they know what you’re going through. It’ll be okay.
Talk to your GP if you experience low mood or call the Samaritans on 116 123. No one will judge you, they just want to help.
Thank you for reading, giving everyone lots of love. Check back for more mental health posts.